There was a time in my life when I honestly couldn't wait to get older. I was like: "Okay, only five more years of dealing with this adolescent shit/ being controlled by my parents/ being in this idiotic, closed-minded community/ [insert anything of your choosing here] and I'll never have to put up with it again!" Then came the advent of my thirties and while I got rid of most of the things that truly irked me about my adolescence and my twenties (which was really only an extension of my adolescence, I would say), my thirties came with its own burdens.
BODY
Every single girl has her issues with her own body and I am certainly no exception to this rule. I have always considered myself to be a bit on the pudgy side and have taken pains in an attempt to let those unwanted bits of fat melt away. We are talking Verimark exercise equipment (remember the Energym crunch), gym memberships, injections that were supposed to help the weight-losing process along - you name it, I've tried it. For some reason, however, I am picking up more weight when there is really no reason for it to be so.
My boobs, that had always been a cause of embarrassment for me due to the fact that they are GIGANTIC, also ballooned in this time (like, seriously, from DD to E? Where are they going?). They actually look like an extra stomach! If I had had the money, I would really, strongly have considered going for a breast reduction and lift because now, even walking up straight has become an effort.
I was always quite a hairy girl before and that in itself is already a curse but now I've got hair on my face. MY FACE! And where I had always looked younger than my age allowed (despite the boobs), I had suddenly aged overnight! I actually invested in an anti-ageing serum. Will keep you posted on the results thereof.
As if that isn't enough, even my menstrual cycle has also decided to eff with me. Before it was like my menstrual cycle was trained with military precision. I got it every 28 to 31 days and symptoms like uncharacteristic moodiness and reclusiveness, backaches and pains as well as abnormal cravings (peanut butter, cheese and apple sandwich, anyone?) heralded its arrival. These days, however, it's playing the wild card trick that it should have played on me during puberty. I can experience painful menstruation for two months on end or it can just decide to stay away for a month or two. Birth control pills have now become an occasional necessity in order to control the problem.
Sometimes, it feels like my own body has turned against me - I have found myself crying in embarrassment on more than one occasion when changing sanitary products also included changing underwear and sometimes changing clothes too. Unfortunately, doctors are unable to provide a cause for this problem. It could be anything: stress, miscarriage, an ulcer, cancer...
EMOTIONS
Women tend to be emotional creatures (please note I said emotional, not irrational - there is a difference) and I am certainly no exception. Due to my size some people might think that I am a tough cookie but I only look like a gorilla; inside I am really just a soft, squishy marshmallow. I tend to feel things deeply and am easily moved to tears. In my thirtieth year, the pain of regular loss has become a constant companion. Due to my involvement in the servers guild of my church, I had been exposed to death from a young age but it had never hit me as hard as it did with the passing of my grandmothers. I think what made the blow especially hard was the fact that my mother had told me that I would need to spend more time with them as there is no guarantee that they would be around much longer. I scoffed at the idea: why would they want to see me? My brother was the favourite (despite his little drug problem); let he go and see them. Two months later and Ouma was taken.
Ouma raised me the first sixteen years of my life as if I were her very own. I stood alone beside her casket on the day of her funeral as the family wept and tried to comfort each other (me being excluded). Though I was sad and was certainly crying, there was a strange sense of peace as I stood there looking at her cold yet friendly and familiar corpse. My other grandmother, Ouma Ida, who was also friends with Ouma, went six months later. This time at least I was able to say good bye. A few months ago Oom Hendrik, Ouma's brother-in-law, also died. The last time I saw him was the day before Ouma Ida's funeral when he drove my mother and me to the bus stop in Riversdal. He was also an integral part of my childhood and I often visited his house as a child and enjoyed riding around in the back of his bakkie with the canopy removed.
Finally, a mere four weeks ago, Auntie Uhm also went. She was that one auntie that just knew what was happening everywhere and at all times. That was due to the location of her house. Weirdly enough, from her front door, you could see the whole town and as well as the canteen and who were loafing around there. If any shit went down, she was probably the first to know about it...we often joked that she could get wind of a story before the newspapers did.
These losses have made me aware that this is the time that I will be losing a lot of my support structures. There is an expiration date on everything and everyone...even relationships. Those people that you no longer need, want or see use for in your life can most certainly be taken from you.
FINANCES
Money makes the world go round...and I don't have enough of it! I have found that, following a wreckless spending spree, I honestly need some guidance where money management is concerned. I haven't even gotten around to the whole life-insurance, funeral policy, health insurance things yet...and I'm starting to feel my own mortality. OMG, what about pension?
So having identified my problems, I plan on addressing them one by one and finding solutions to them so that by the time I'm thirty-five, I am exactly where I am supposed to be: neck-in-neck with my peers. Watch this space.
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